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This last week I learned a lot about myself. I LOVE helping people, and sometimes that can get in the way of my logical thinking. Sometimes I'll put aside my own personal feelings in order to comfort or advise someone else. I've known for a long time this was a problem for me, which sounds weird, because how could helping people possibly be a problem?
Christ-like love and Christ-like acceptance is exactly what is missing in the world. If only we all saw each other as Heavenly Father did, imagine the possibilities! I've noticed in myself, along with several others, that I am weirdly in tune with people. I understand their hardships and their struggles on a level most people don't, and that makes me accept them. But just because I feel their heartache, if it's not healthy for me to be involved in their lives, then I shouldn't be.
In the past, I've helped and cared for people who were severely abusing me, and I would push away my own feelings and my own safety in order to help them, because I felt like it was my duty since I understood. One experience in particular lead to me being diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, which I rarely talk about, and will not talk about on here because it is too triggering.
Despite having such bad experiences, I still find myself putting my own needs aside in order to help others. This week, I've learned something important. It's okay to be "selfish". If someone is making you feel emotionally uncomfortable, or you feel you are being taken advantage of, it is okay to disconnect yourself from them. I've had too many life experiences and watched to many episodes of Dr. Phil to know now what this signs of abuse are, and that nothing is worth getting involved with that.
Sometimes it is hard to recognize these signs, especially when they are not physical. One of my favorite sayings a loving teacher told me one time was, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will shatter souls". I believe it's from the Outsiders, a fantastic book by the way. Emotional or verbal abuse can be even more damaging than physical, and it's important to recognize glimpses of this in someone you are trying to help. I've personally experienced this, and in the past I let it slide, but not anymore.
Some of the signs of emotional and verbal abuse are:
1. Being made you feel constantly in the wrong.
2. You're self esteem and self confidence is shot down.
3. When your feelings have been hurt, they tell you you are being too sensitive.
4. You are often the brunt of jokes that make you feel bad.
5. You have to "walk on eggshells" around them.
6. Being called demeaning names.
7. Being given the silent treatment or ignored.
Basically, emotional and verbal abuse is being disrespected. You know you are being abused when you do not feel important or loved. Here is a list of personal rights within a relationship:
1. Right to emotional support
2. Right to be heard by the other and respond
3. Right to have your own point of view, even if it differs from the other person
4. Right to have your emotions and experiences viewed as real
5. Right to live free from accustation and blame
6. Right to live free from destructive criticism and judgement
7. Right to live free of emotional and physical threat
8. Right to live free from angry outbursts or rage
9. Right to be respectfully asked, rather than ordered
So here's the deal, if any of these basic human rights within a relationship are missing, even if it is just one, you are being abused.
I used to be obsessed with the show "Dr. Phil". I would watch as these couples would come on and you would see them being so abused by their partners, and I couldn't figure out how they let it escalate to that level. The truth is, they didn't recognize the signs when they began. I call this the "Dr. Phil syndrome". It's when you become completely blinded by love, or lust, that you completely ignore the signs of abuse, allowing it to escalate to a point that outside intervention has to be taken, such as coming on Dr. Phil's show. Not recognizing the signs can be very dangerous, because Dr. Phil won't be able to be there to counsel everyone. Because I've watched his show, I've learned through example, and I've learned to dodge some bullets.
When you recognize a sign of abuse, don't let it slide. If they show it to you even once, the chances of it happening again are pretty high. Sure, everyone has their weak moments, but that is no excuse for treating someone with disrespect or anger.
Like I said, in the past, I ignored the signs, and boy did I pay for it! The emotional pain is still so real, and still so present. And I guess that is what makes me now so cautious of these warning signs, and what makes me so aware of these problems. Leaving someone who is not providing you your basic human rights is NOT running away. It doesn't mean you are being a bad person or you are being weak. It means you are protecting yourself and you are respecting yourself as a son or daughter of God who deserves to be treated as such.
If you are experiencing any of these signs, acknowledge that it will only escalate, not deflate. As the person becomes more comfortable with you, they will only get more abusive. For your own sake, get out of the relationship immediately. And like I said, it is not selfish, it is loving yourself as you deserved to be loved.
[Maddy Stutz is a freelance writer of the mental health blog: Chatty Maddy Helps. This was posted with her direct permission.]
Christ-like love and Christ-like acceptance is exactly what is missing in the world. If only we all saw each other as Heavenly Father did, imagine the possibilities! I've noticed in myself, along with several others, that I am weirdly in tune with people. I understand their hardships and their struggles on a level most people don't, and that makes me accept them. But just because I feel their heartache, if it's not healthy for me to be involved in their lives, then I shouldn't be.
In the past, I've helped and cared for people who were severely abusing me, and I would push away my own feelings and my own safety in order to help them, because I felt like it was my duty since I understood. One experience in particular lead to me being diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, which I rarely talk about, and will not talk about on here because it is too triggering.
Despite having such bad experiences, I still find myself putting my own needs aside in order to help others. This week, I've learned something important. It's okay to be "selfish". If someone is making you feel emotionally uncomfortable, or you feel you are being taken advantage of, it is okay to disconnect yourself from them. I've had too many life experiences and watched to many episodes of Dr. Phil to know now what this signs of abuse are, and that nothing is worth getting involved with that.
Sometimes it is hard to recognize these signs, especially when they are not physical. One of my favorite sayings a loving teacher told me one time was, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will shatter souls". I believe it's from the Outsiders, a fantastic book by the way. Emotional or verbal abuse can be even more damaging than physical, and it's important to recognize glimpses of this in someone you are trying to help. I've personally experienced this, and in the past I let it slide, but not anymore.
Some of the signs of emotional and verbal abuse are:
1. Being made you feel constantly in the wrong.
2. You're self esteem and self confidence is shot down.
3. When your feelings have been hurt, they tell you you are being too sensitive.
4. You are often the brunt of jokes that make you feel bad.
5. You have to "walk on eggshells" around them.
6. Being called demeaning names.
7. Being given the silent treatment or ignored.
Basically, emotional and verbal abuse is being disrespected. You know you are being abused when you do not feel important or loved. Here is a list of personal rights within a relationship:
1. Right to emotional support
2. Right to be heard by the other and respond
3. Right to have your own point of view, even if it differs from the other person
4. Right to have your emotions and experiences viewed as real
5. Right to live free from accustation and blame
6. Right to live free from destructive criticism and judgement
7. Right to live free of emotional and physical threat
8. Right to live free from angry outbursts or rage
9. Right to be respectfully asked, rather than ordered
So here's the deal, if any of these basic human rights within a relationship are missing, even if it is just one, you are being abused.
I used to be obsessed with the show "Dr. Phil". I would watch as these couples would come on and you would see them being so abused by their partners, and I couldn't figure out how they let it escalate to that level. The truth is, they didn't recognize the signs when they began. I call this the "Dr. Phil syndrome". It's when you become completely blinded by love, or lust, that you completely ignore the signs of abuse, allowing it to escalate to a point that outside intervention has to be taken, such as coming on Dr. Phil's show. Not recognizing the signs can be very dangerous, because Dr. Phil won't be able to be there to counsel everyone. Because I've watched his show, I've learned through example, and I've learned to dodge some bullets.
When you recognize a sign of abuse, don't let it slide. If they show it to you even once, the chances of it happening again are pretty high. Sure, everyone has their weak moments, but that is no excuse for treating someone with disrespect or anger.
Like I said, in the past, I ignored the signs, and boy did I pay for it! The emotional pain is still so real, and still so present. And I guess that is what makes me now so cautious of these warning signs, and what makes me so aware of these problems. Leaving someone who is not providing you your basic human rights is NOT running away. It doesn't mean you are being a bad person or you are being weak. It means you are protecting yourself and you are respecting yourself as a son or daughter of God who deserves to be treated as such.
If you are experiencing any of these signs, acknowledge that it will only escalate, not deflate. As the person becomes more comfortable with you, they will only get more abusive. For your own sake, get out of the relationship immediately. And like I said, it is not selfish, it is loving yourself as you deserved to be loved.
[Maddy Stutz is a freelance writer of the mental health blog: Chatty Maddy Helps. This was posted with her direct permission.]